Tuesday, April 22, 2014

What I Think About When I Think About Me.

Self-portrait, with
mouthwash.
HI!  I heard that I was going to be mentioned on Robin's Your Daily Dose blog and thought it might be helpful to have a brief introductory post to this blog and my other one so that you know what it is you will soon complain about me in the comments and then eventually forget when you move on to other blogs.  So, in handy list form, here are 11 things you won't like about me:

1.  I write really long posts.  This one, which will probably clock in at about 100,000 words, is an aberration.  Most of my posts have their own zipcode.  They take several years to read.  I had a visit from Proust's ghost once. He hovered over my bed and howled something that sounded like "TL/DR".  I thought that was mean of him.  Lately, I've been trying to shorten them and post more pictures, etc.

2. I don't like you (but don't take it personally.)  Because I don't like anyone.  My Twitter name is @whyihatepeople (follow me here). It's nothing about you, per se.  It's just that you exist, which means at some point you probably will be in front of me in line or behind me on the road or parking too closely to me or perhaps having germs, which I will suspect are now in my Diet Coke (TM). If you really get on my nerves, you'll make my Enemies List, which already contains such villains as "People Who Honk Their Horn" and "Water."

3.  I have kids.  It's amazing that I made it this far into the post without putting up a jillion pictures of them and telling you how cute they are. And then making fun of how they poop.  It's not that you'll hate me because I have kids. It's that you'll hate me because when it's your turn to tell me about your kids, I will not listen. I will be trying to remember the lyrics to Scenes From An Italian Restaurant from Billy Joel.  It was Brenda and Eddie, right?

4.  Most of the posts here are about me but occasionally you will get really superdetailed analyses of some obscure sporting topic, or something else that will baffle you.  Or you'll get stories about kids, and thoughts on society, and overly-long analyses of commercials, and other stuff I think.  Also, I'm going to mention pizza, A LOT.

5. Like this: I like pizza, A LOT.  See? It's already annoying.

6.  I write stories but I don't post them on this blog for reasons I'll suggest are legitimate and/or businesslike but which really amount to superstition and laziness.  The blog where I post my stories is called lit, a place for stories, and you can find it by clicking this link. You won't click that link, but don't feel bad about it.  I forgive you.

7. I go about 3 minutes in between bouts of self-pity in which I complain that people won't click my links, etc., because I don't really understand how the Internet works.  The only equation I ever learned was INTERNET=MONEY/FAME, which is the formula Isaac Newton worked out that means "simply posting stuff on the Internet automatically means everyone will read it and love it and you'll get rich." I believe this 100% to be true.  It is in the Bible.  The reason it doesn't work is because you don't understand complicated math.

7A: I once let a Twinkie sit out in the open for 100 days and then ate it. I posted about that on this blog. That's the kind of quality stuff you've been missing.

8.  I never finish lists.

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To make up for all the mean stuff I said about you, I am giving away free books! Every day in April you can get one of my books free.  Today's book is UP SO DOWN, the sad/happy story of a great/terrible year in the life of a brother and a sister.  It's touching, or at least that's what people who have feelings and can relate to other people tell me.  CLICK HERE TO GET IT FOR FREE.
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