1. I write really long posts. This one, which will probably clock in at about 100,000 words, is an aberration. Most of my posts have their own zipcode. They take several years to read. I had a visit from Proust's ghost once. He hovered over my bed and howled something that sounded like "TL/DR". I thought that was mean of him. Lately, I've been trying to shorten them and post more pictures, etc.
2. I don't like you (but don't take it personally.) Because I don't like anyone. My Twitter name is @whyihatepeople (follow me here). It's nothing about you, per se. It's just that you exist, which means at some point you probably will be in front of me in line or behind me on the road or parking too closely to me or perhaps having germs, which I will suspect are now in my Diet Coke (TM). If you really get on my nerves, you'll make my Enemies List, which already contains such villains as "People Who Honk Their Horn" and "Water."
4. Most of the posts here are about me but occasionally you will get really superdetailed analyses of some obscure sporting topic, or something else that will baffle you. Or you'll get stories about kids, and thoughts on society, and overly-long analyses of commercials, and other stuff I think. Also, I'm going to mention pizza, A LOT.
5. Like this: I like pizza, A LOT. See? It's already annoying.
6. I write stories but I don't post them on this blog for reasons I'll suggest are legitimate and/or businesslike but which really amount to superstition and laziness. The blog where I post my stories is called lit, a place for stories, and you can find it by clicking this link. You won't click that link, but don't feel bad about it. I forgive you.
7. I go about 3 minutes in between bouts of self-pity in which I complain that people won't click my links, etc., because I don't really understand how the Internet works. The only equation I ever learned was INTERNET=MONEY/FAME, which is the formula Isaac Newton worked out that means "simply posting stuff on the Internet automatically means everyone will read it and love it and you'll get rich." I believe this 100% to be true. It is in the Bible. The reason it doesn't work is because you don't understand complicated math.
7A: I once let a Twinkie sit out in the open for 100 days and then ate it. I posted about that on this blog. That's the kind of quality stuff you've been missing.
8. I never finish lists.
UP SO DOWN, the sad/happy story of a great/terrible year in the life of a brother and a sister. It's touching, or at least that's what people who have feelings and can relate to other people tell me. CLICK HERE TO GET IT FOR FREE.