There is a little nudity in this post. Be forewarned, and Sweetie, don't just skip to that part. (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 42)

I'm sorry, Nathan Fillion,


I'm sorry because while you've been named the 42nd Hunk of the Week, it's a title you hold in name only, as we'll see. You're not really a hunk, per se. You've made it on to the list, but like me in my grade school, high school, college, law school... well, like me in every year of my life until I met Sweetie and got married, you're doomed to sit on the sidelines while the real hunks get all the action.

But cheer up -- you'll probably still get to ride shotgun on the way home while your friend makes out with that girl you were going to ask to dance. That jerk. He knew that I thought she was cute and it's not like ...

...Where was I? Oh, yeah. Nathan Fillion



is, technically speaking, the 42nd Hunk of the Week. Let's find out about him, and why he's not really the Hunk of the Week.

You Don't Know Him Without You have seen him on one of the many things he's done which nobody, ever, has really watched. Nathan Fillion's career in that sense is like dark matter: It's supposedly out there but nobody has ever seen it or touched it or measured it and nobody can really prove that it actually is, and yet, it must exist, people say, because (in the case of Nathan Fillion) he's there walking around and being alive, or because (in the case of dark matter) they're a bunch of scientists who are too lazy to actually figure out the answers and they know nobody's paying attention, so they just say "Ah, well, dark matter, now let's go have some martinis and play Wii tennis."

Nathan Fillion's Career (Artist Conception):

Dark Matter (Artist's Conception):

Nathan Fillion was most recently seen starring in "my computer desktop photo," as Sweetie had downloaded his picture this week and made it the desktop background before I replaced it with my picture of Lake Monona masquerading as Antarctica. I'm sure some stars would mind being replaced by cold ducks, but I'm sure Nathan Fillion would be okay with it, for reasons we'll get to in a minute.

Before that, Nathan Fillion also was in "that one sci-fi TV show that wasn't Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica," and he was also in "that one movie based on that one sci-fi TV show that wasn't Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica," and he was also in "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog," which I downloaded and have watched twice and which is awesome, and he also played James Bond in two of the last three Bond movies.

Just seeing if you were paying attention or skimming to get to the nudity. (Sweetie...)

But, really, given that you don't really know what Nathan Fillion was in, can you swear he didn't play Bond? You didn't see the Bond movies, either, did you? I know you didn't, because you're not Daniel Craig's mother or sixty years old, and those are the only types of people who still watch Bond movies.

So, for sure, we know that Nathan Fillion (a) can sing, and (b) probably guest-starred on a Law & Order or some similar show recently, since that's how Sweetie knows people who star in shows that she doesn't watch, like sci-fi shows and movies with "blog" in the title.

Speaking of which: In the 90s, when email and the Internet were becoming a bigger deal, there were, by my count, about a zillion movies based in some way on the Internet and email, movies like You've Got Mail and The Net and ... um... Wargames?

But now that the Internet is a facet in everyone's life and is full of Youtube and These Videos Are NEVER Funny (Or Die) and blogging and The Social Networking Site That Hates Me But Still Lets White House Gate Crashers Have A Page and encourages abusive husbands to get in touch with their ex-wives, now that our lives are full of that stuff, we get... zero movies in which the plot revolves around one of those things. (I'm leaving out Julie & Julia, because it turns out that the blog on which it was based is one big huge deception.)

That needs to be remedied, and fast. How about this: Nathan Fillion stars in a movie about a guy who has no friends but dreams of being popular and famous, and one day sets out to make everyone in the world his friend on a social networking site, and, as he gets closer and closer to setting the record for the most friends on one of those sites, he gets a friend request from a girl he knew in high school, who he'd asked to the prom and who'd told him she liked him just as a friend. Now, though, she says that she's changed her mind and they begin dating. Pretty soon, he's falling for her anew, and is about to ask her to marry him when he finds out that she's been putting secret, edited videos of their dates on the web to promote her own dating website, leading him to pull the plug on his most-friends-ever experiment.

At the end, we see him clicking off his laptop in a coffee shop, and turning around, only to see the girl (let's say, Courtney Cox) standing there. She takes out her little digital video camera, drops it on the floor, and they walk off into the sunset hand-in-hand.

He's even got the quirky t-shirt necessary to
star in a romantic comedy nowadays!
This movie will sell itself.

I call it Friend Me? (Tagline: He set out to just be friends, until his status changed!) and you know it'd be a hit. Because Nathan Fillion's so likeable. As we'll see...

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: For one thing, chiseled, muscular guys aren't supposed to be this good at singing:





But beyond that, there's also the fact that right now, there are seventeen different photos of Nathan Fillion for sale on eBay, ranging from this one:



Which goes for $8.50 and is billed as a "hot rare new must see 8 x 10" photo, to an autographed photo being sold for $29.99. (But you can buy it now for $39.99!)

My favorite Nathan Fillion eBay item, though, is the collection of clippings about him, for sale on eBay for a bargain price of $3.50. I'd show you that, but the seller has cleverly kept me from copying the image over to this blog. But I mention it in case you are sitting around thinking to yourself, I wish I'd kept track of Nathan Fillion's career over the years, but it's too late to start now... it's not too late. It's never too late. Go bid now! (You'll be in a bidding war with me, though, as I still need a "stocking stuffer" for Sweetie for Christmas.)

Really, then, the thing that makes me go Hmmm about him is that it seems as though Nathan Fillion is sitting around, in between starring in things (maybe?) making a little side cash by taking pictures of himself and selling them on eBay. Which is what I'd do if I were famous, too, so I can't really blame him.

Reason I Tell Myself Sweetie Likes Him: I can't answer this one, because I had only just come in from crawling on our roof to knock snow off the satellite dish so that we could once again watch TV, and before I gave any thought to why Sweetie likes him, I asked her why, and she told me, which became instantly my reason for feeling sorry for him:

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: Says Sweetie: "He's just like a guy you can pal around with."

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: SEE? See what I said? Ouch! Sorry, Nathan, you're in the friend category. You're the guy who wouldn't mind having his picture replaced by a bunch of ducks, you're the guy who could believably star in Friend Me?, you're the guy who is good-looking but can also sing, and that means that you're just a friend. True hunks always get the girl. Guys who are just a friend, who you can pal around with, drive the girl's car back to the girl's house while their their buddies drive the girl in their car back to the girl's house. Then, while the buddies make out with the girls in their house, those guys who are "just like friends" wait in the car trying to drum along with Radar Love on the dashboard.

That's where you are, Nathan Fillion: Forever trapped at one step above You're like a brother to me, and many levels below true hunkiness. I recommend putting Radar Love on your iPod now. That way, you'll have it ready for those late-night drum sessions.

(And, when you're doing that, call me. After years of practice, I know just how it goes.)

This picture is saved on computer as "Nathan end." Ha!
(It is also, I suspect, the Actual ACTUAL reason
Sweetie likes Nathan Fillion)

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to online game, and when your boss is watching.

I've already mentioned them a bunch of times on my blog now, so you ought to already be fully aware that the best way to find and play games at online casinos for real money is to use Best Online Casinos, the site that locates and rates online gaming ventures using experts, user reviews, and the amount of bonus cash as just three of the many factors that go into their ultimate recommendation. Whether you're a casual gamer, a serious gambler, or a guy like me who, in a few short minutes, will turn his Christmas savings into double, maybe triple that amount by drawing to an inside straight, you'll benefit from Best Online Casinos easy-to-read reviews and links -- plus by going through them, you'll get yourself bonus cash right off the bat.

You begin to waver (Friday's Sunday's Poem, 39)

I know I promised Christmas poems, but promises were meant not to be fulfilled on blogs. I'll do some Christmas poems in the future, though. Maybe. (Blogs-crossed?)

PARADOX
by Renee Mangunay


Sojourning a journey,
Running a race.
Yearning for that heavenly destination,
Of it no permanent trace.

Several travelers,
uncountable roads.
But which one is the right one?
Where is one to go?

Obstacles appear,
rocks and stones get in the way,
Flustering the wanderers,
making some go astray.

You saunter on
STILL trying to find,
that peaceful destination
towards which paths intertwine.

Staring straight ahead,
an intersection comes in sight.
The choice is yours to make
whether you turn left or right.

Years and years fleet past
the race is not yet done.
What else is one to endure,
'til he can say that he's won?

Doubt starts to linger,
clouding your limited mind;
brooding over you deeds' vanity,
including every sacrifice.

You begin to waver,
changing track as you think
that this destination's mere illusion,
one of your mind's little tricks.

Proceeding the voyage,
with no particular goal to reach;
still craving for contentment,
just shambling as you please.

In the end there's no goal,
no final destination to pursue;
traversing on high and low tide,
still in search of the truth.

_______________________________________________

Today's FSP is from Renee Mangunay, who writes on the Half-baked Disillusionments blog. Paradox appeared there first, and I asked Renee for permission to repost it, and she gave me permission. (One problem with working with living poets is that you have to get their permission to use their work, or at least I feel like I have to get their permission.)

What I liked about it was the echoes of Robert Frost in the themes and images, and the way the rhyme scheme and rhythm seem to shamble -- her word, which I like -- along, almost-but-not-quite aimlessly, reflecting the message (or what I assume to be the message) of the poem.

The modern-day Muppets focus a lot on this "Shrimp" character who I do not like. (3 Good Things From 12/10/09)

After spending 2 hours driving in to work, it's hard to think of 3 Good Things about anything...but that's the point of this. One of the points of this, anyway.

1. This song, which came on a CD I got and which I'd never heard before but is my favorite song this week: "The Cello Song" by The Books:



2. I was smart enough to leave work early and return phone calls on the way home. Fool me once, shame on you. Make me sit in traffic for 90% of my day because everyone around me is an idiot twice, and I'll go nuts. Ordinarily I return phone calls for the last hour or so of the day; yesterday, having been tricked into thinking people could handle driving in snow once, I resolved to do better. So I left work at 4 p.m. and took my list of phone calls with me and returned all my phone calls on the way home. Don't worry: I was rarely moving and so was free to dial. My office was more mobile than my car on the way home.

3. I watched Prep & Landing with Mr F and Mr Bunches last night. I always resolve to watch more Christmas specials on TV, but never get around to it. This year, I'm doing well, having watched the not-too-bad Prep & Landing (which was enjoyable enough but displayed the shortened storyline and development characteristic of today's information-addled media) but also A Charlie Brown Christmas, Bad Santa, and 2/3 of that Muppet special.

The stupidest thing I've ever heard, and then something that comes pretty close. (First Thoughts)

My morning routine today was this:

Get up, head downstairs.

Turn on the 'puter.

Give Stormy Jet Risotto her plate of food before she meows loud enough to actually rip the walls off.

Pour a cup of coffee.

Go get the paper and try not to slip on the steps that were supposed to be shoveled yesterday but which appear to be covered by a glacier/vow to ground The Boy, but wait until tomorrow because he's babysitting tonight while Sweetie and I go to my office Christmas party.

Wonder whether I should buy a Christmas sweater to wear to said party.

Head back inside, wait for 'puter to finish turning on and read the paper, beginning with Sports, where I read this:

TV Shoot a Hit On Internet, a story about "Wayne A. Spring," a Louisiana native who said that if the Saints beat the Redskins last Sunday, anyone who wanted to could come over and... shoot his 60" TV.



That guy might be the dumbest guy I've ever heard of... or, more likely, that guy bought a TV specifically for this purpose and is trying to get himself a reality TV show, since there's no reason a Saints fan would bet his TV against his own team.

Then, I continued on to the business section, where I read this:

Forget Stocks, Invest In Cheese.

A story about people lining up to pay fifty bucks a pound for 15-year-old cheddar cheese.

I refuse to believe that anyone can tell the difference between the package of cheddar slices I bought at the grocery store the other day for $1.99, and a $50-per-pound hunk of old cheese, unless the latter is moldy. And reading that kind of stuff just makes me hate people, so if you bought that cheese, or if you think you could tell if you were eating it, I'm mad at you right now.

Online gaming: Not just the answer to a Final Jeopardy! last week, but also a thing to do at work.

Here's a problem I'm sure we've all faced: So, I'm sitting at my desk, it's only 3 in the afternoon, and I've got nothing to do to kill the time until I make up an excuse and leave at 4 p.m.

(Nothing meaning nothing I want to do).

How to kill this time? I wonder, and then: Can I make a little money here, while I'm pretending to be busy?

That's when it strikes me: people gamble online, all the time, and here I've got a computer and a credit card!

And, next thing you know, I'm playing the slots like a pro.

(Like a pro means losing the mortgage money, but, oh, well, it's Christmas and something will turn up to help out. Maybe a kindly old man.)

Anyway, if you've faced that same problem, then do what I did: go to Best Online Casinos and find some slots games to while away the hours and your expendable cash on. Best Online Casinos rates the online slots games for you, picking the best ones based on experts, user reviews, and how much bonus cash they give you...

...Bonus cash? I told you something would turn up!

The reviews are well-written and informative and can guide even the most novice gamer to the right site for them -- and get you into the fun and exciting world of online gaming!

Something When We Do Nothing: Essays On Smoking And How It Destroys, 1

When I was seventeen, I smoked my first cigarette, handed to me by a cute girl after I told her "Sure, I smoke."

It came about because a girl brought out cigarettes, and because I was stupid, and because tobacco existed.

That was not the first time cigarettes came into my life, and it won't be the last time. It was just the most direct time and it sprung into my head the other day as I watched my mother's head droop down, pulling her oxygen tube forward and causing her to lean into the pole that held up her feeding tube. She clutched towards the pole with one hand.

Her other hand held tightly onto the unfiltered Camel cigarette, one of the hundreds of thousands of cigarettes that she has smoked over her lifetime, one of the increasingly diminutive number she will smoke before she dies.

My mother has lung cancer. She was diagnosed in April of this year. Seven months later, she has lived longer than I initially thought she would when I first visited her in the hospital.

That is, if what she is doing now can properly be called living.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said this about smoking: "The believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco." He may have been right about that being the first illusion, but it is not the only illusion smokers have. Smokers, and those who tolerate smoking around them or by others, have illusion upon illusion upon illusion: they believe (as I did) that smoking makes them more creative. They believe (as I did) that smoking calms them down, and they believe at the same time that smoking perks them up. They believe that smoking does not interfere with their body's ability to go on breathing and thinking and living. They believe that their teeth are not hideously yellowed, that their fingertips are not shriveled and stained and hardened by the gripping and pressure on the lighter and innumerable small burns presented by cigarettes. They believe the shortness of breath as they walk or sit or talk is from a cold, or the humidity, or anything but the slow, steady, constriction of the tiny pouches of air in their lungs.

They believe all that in spite of and in the face of all evidence to the contrary.

It is possible to go on believing those things, possible to go on believing them until you are standing in your mother's living room, looking at the 40-year-old Nativity scene set up recently for Christmas, and you turn around to tell your mother a memory about that Nativity set, and, upon turning around, realize that every bone in your mother's shoulders are visible, and not just every bone but the tumors that are growing in her, as well. At that moment, as you look at her and see a pale skeleton of the woman who raised you (almost always with a cigarette nearby her), as her eyes droop and her hands flutter and she tries to stay awake and look at you, at that moment you stop believing those things.

You say to her: "You did a good job raising us, Mom," saying that instead of what you were going to say, because you realize that time is short and you want her to hear that more than you want her to hear the memory of the Nativity scene.

You stop believing those things about smoking and instead you curse the fact that cigarettes were ever invented.

And then you gently take your mother's hand, which is shaking slightly, and you help her tip the ash off of her cigarette and ask her if she needs anything else before you leave.

That cigarette, the last one my mom smoked while I was there visiting on Monday night (but almost certainly not her last one of the night or her life), hung in my mind as I drove the long ride home in the cold night. That cigarette, which I so easily was able to take and flick the ashes off of and hand back to her, using movements remembered and familiar from my own seventeen years of smoking, that cigarette is one of the few specific cigarettes I can remember in my life, and I imagine I will remember it for the remainder of my life, for as long as I can remember things. That cigarette, its cursed poisonous smoke curling up from it, the glowing embers of Hell on the end of it, will live in my memory alongside the other specific times I can remember smoking or quitting smoking, a series of tainted poisoned images that clutter up my mind and my lungs and throat still, cigarettes and smoking and disease and death crowding into pictures and memories that I have, fluttering throughout my life, a life that is surely shortened just as my mom's has been.

That cigarette is still in my mind three days later. It is the image I have of my Mom from my Monday visit to her, and it saddens me to think that it is the image of one of the visits I will have with my Mom, that what I will remember from our Monday night together is that moment when I helped her avoid burning her hand, or her chair, or her carpet, taking the cigarette from her and then giving it back to her, letting her shorten her life a little more still now because what does it matter? They have already killed her, those cigarettes, the latest victim in the long line of casualties set down by the quest for profits, the desire to be cool, the belief that there is something of freedom in the act of killing onself slowly by deliberately inhaling burning material.

As that cigarette haunted my mind, as I cleared my throat this morning and felt the remnants of my own years of smoking, as I struggled to remain upbeat in the face of my Mom's impending death, I also fought to make sense of it all, to put it into perspective, and decided that the way I could do that is the same way I make sense of everything: by telling it to someone else. By sharing it. By telling about the cigarettes and the smoking that I have seen and done and battled in my life, by sharing from time to time memories and thoughts on the havoc that smoking has wrought on my life, the effects being most direct recently but never having been too distant from my life.

The harm caused to me by smoking -- by others' smoking and by my own smoking -- and the harm that has been caused to others around me by those same things, has always been present. I just tried to ignore it, for too long I tried to ignore it and glossed over it.

But on Monday night, I could not ignore it any longer. When I turned around and saw my mom fading there, I could no longer internalize all of that.

That is how this new series of essays began to be formed in my mind. As I drove home that night, as I thought over the past few days, as I continued to mull over these things, I determined to write about them, and I will. These things happened because I, and others, were stupid, and because tobacco existed. Now, I'm going to talk about them.

I'll still be the same me, in between times when I write about this. I'll still make the same dumb jokes and tell the same boring stories over and over, I'll still wax philosophical about things that don't deserve it and still make outrageous claims that I cannot possibly back up (and then I'll back them up.) For all of us, life goes on until it doesn't. Because of that truism, it's important to not wallow in sorrow and guilt and recrimination and sadness.

But sorrow and guilt and recrimination and sadness deserve their days, too. It is the bitter that allows sweet to exist, and the knowledge of sad things makes the laughter at funny things all the more heartfelt. So I will laugh and joke again. Just not today: My mother is dying.

I bet nobody in Hawaii sat for two hours in traffic this morning. (3 Good Things From 12/9/09)

I have only rarely needed my 3 Good Things more than today, after I spent 2 hours (yes, 120 minutes) driving the seven miles to work. There were no accidents, no bad roads... just a lot of people who are apparently completely unfamiliar with this thing we call "snow" and this other thing we call "driving like someone who has more than one functioning brain cell."


Whoo... Okay, my 3 Good Things...



1. This comic from XKCD:



I would watch that movie. Seriously. Plus, it's nice to know I'm not the only person who sits around thinking up seemingly-ridiculous-but-in-reality-quite-good movie ideas.

2. The "Penguin Fudge" my Uncle Dick sent me. He's not really my uncle, he's my dad's uncle, but it sounds silly to call him "Great Uncle Dick" or "Second Cousin-Uncle Dick" or whatever his relationship is. Uncle Dick sends really great presents, and yesterday's was really great-er: A foot-long, eight-inch-wide block of fudge shaped like a penguin. I envision needing to work out a lot more than I was originally planning to this weekend.

3. This picture:


That's Mr F on the left and pantless Mr Bunches on the right, sleeping last night at 10 p.m. when I went in to check on them. They each have their own bed, but you wouldn't know it.

Bonus Good Thing: The picture below was the only good thing from my ride in this morning: While sitting on John Nolen Drive in Madison (for 47 minutes) I snapped this photo using my cell phone:

You have to click on the picture to get the full effect, but that's Lake Monona, not yet frozen, with ducks swimming around and the mist and blowing snow covering the view of Madison across the lake.

I hope they don't recall the Christmas fudge Uncle Dick sent me; it looks good!

Did you get lost in the news about whether or not those sad mechanical hamsters were dangerous or not? Wondering whether the presents under the tree will explode before the kids open them? Not sure if the reason your car window isn't working is your fault or the manufacturers?

If any of these apply to you, check out the "Product Recall Updates" at Accidents.com. Accidents.com is your number one source of information and referrals for product recalls, news about accidents, legal referrals, and everything else related to helping you get compensation for the problems others cause you.

I like the site because I can find out quickly what's going on with the things I buy or want to buy -- like the hooded sweatshirt recall for kids' clothing. I don't want the Babies! to accidentally strangle because I bought them a cute shirt, and with the site I can keep up on what's safe and what's not for the kids and the family.

But you may want to look into getting a lawyer or information about your accident, ranging from slip-and-falls to car accidents. They'll help you evaluate your accidents, refer you to chiropractors, and otherwise serve as a gateway for the information you need -- all done confidentially and quickly.

I Read The News Today Oh Boy: Table of Contents

I Read The News Today Oh Boy

collects up a day in my life via (mostly) pictures...

Holiday Roundup Edition

March 1, 2009

Valentine's Day, 2009.

January 31, 2009

January 29, 2009

Droid! Droid! DroidDroidDroidDroidDroidDroidDroidDroidDroid! (Yes, I'm a 3rd grader.) ( [Un]Cool Things I Never Learned In School)

You can't say Droid.

That's the uncool thing I learned recently, when I read some fine print in an ad for that new phone, which, because of trademark laws, should be called "The Phone Who Must Not Be Named," but calling it that might get me in trouble with the World's Most Unnecessarily Litigious Author.

So I don't know what to call the phone, but I know that I can't call it a Droid because George Lucas copyrighted the word "Droid."

That's what the fine print in those Droid ads says:
So everytime someone says droid they have to pay George Lucas, apparently.

I can't even believe they were able to trademark it, since as I understood it, droid was short for android, and I didn't think that you can trademark a part of a word.

But apparently you can, since the US Patent and Trademark Office ( somewhat of an authority, I guess... ) says:

A trademark includes any word, name, symbol, or device, or any combination, used, or intended to be used, in commerce to identify and distinguish the goods of one manufacturer or seller from goods manufactured or sold by others, and to indicate the source of the goods. In short, a trademark is a brand name.

"Droid," I guess, can be trademarked in reference to the phone, or other goods, maybe -- but it wasn't, not until recently. Lucas didn't try to register "droid" for the phone until October 9, 2009, so the Droid trademark for the phone wasn't his until about two months ago.

That may not be any help if you want to make, say, a droid car, because prior to his adventures in phonery, Lucas had registered Droid as a trademark for a computer game, an entertainment news service, action figures and other toys, general housewares including pudding molds [that one's been abandoned, so if you want to make your own IG-88 pudding mold, you probably can][<<<Note: Not actual legal advice!], going back as far as 1979.

Then again, maybe you can make Droid Popcorn: Lucas wasn't the first, it seems, to try to trademark droid, anyway and wasn't the only one to ever get a trademark for it.

There was a trademark application for a droid tool that would be a:

Hand-operated, multi-function pocket tool comprising hex keys, box wrenches, spoke wrenches, socket wrenches, wheel dishing tools, spanners, knives, forks, scissors, pliers, magnifying glasses, bottle openers, can openers, nail files, tweezers, reamers, tire levers, wood saws, axes, hatches, wrenches, hammers, locking wrenches, and adjustable wrenches, hand tool for bicycles, and chain tool.

Which is now a thing I want. That trademark was filed in 2005 and abandoned in 2006.

Droid is also a registered trademark for a chest-protector-with-neck-brace, luggage (but that one's been abandoned) and a record partnership.

There's also an Anne Droid Surveillance System trademark which has also been abandoned, so if you were going to write a series of books about a sexy robotic detective whose goal is not just to solve mysteries but also to get robots to have equal rights with humans so that she can marry her human partner, the name Anne Droid is likely available. [<<<Note: Not actual legal advice, and also my idea.]

All that droid-searching got me thinking about registering other trademarks for parts of words so that I could get rich the American way: Suing someone for taking my ideas. My first thought was this: what about, say, "Bot" for robot?

Alas, it's already registered for "flavored waters." (Bot flavored waters? I'm no marketing genius [Note: Yes, I am] but that doesn't sound very good at all: "Here's some water flavored like half a robot. And not even the good, first half.")

Alarmingly, someone also registered a trademark for Skybot, which is a little too close to Skynet for my peace of mind. They say that one's abandoned, but I'm sure it's just a ruse and I'm going to have to finish up my underground hideout sooner rather than later.

Then, as is also the American way, I got bored and gave up.

So that's what I learned today, and what I never learned in school even though I was in school in 1979: You can trademark part of a word. And also: You can't say Droid without sending George Lucas money.

Well, I'm not caving in to his tyranny. I'm going to fight this. I'm going to name my next kid "Droid."

Take that, George Lucas!

School: 0
Fine Print In Advertisements: 1.

You'll have to read all the way to the end to see if you won the contest... no fair skipping ahead! (3 Good Things From 12/8/09)

Did you make it in to work today? I did, and I'm the only one here, so far. Which makes me Boss for the day. I declare raises and pizzas for everyone that's here!

If you didn't make it in to work because of snow, and because you decided to follow the warnings to stay home if your job is "nonessential", ask yourself this: Do you really want to (a) use up a perfectly good day off being snowed in, and (b) declare that the job you do is nonessential?

Now you know why I'm here. Plus, that picture to the right is a picture from my actual drive in this morning. 12 inches of snow, no plows around, and 30 mile per hour winds... and it was the best drive in I've had in all of 2009.

Now, on to the real news: the 3 Good Things from yesterday:

1. I did a bang-up job at my seminar presentation, if I say so myself. And I do say so myself, but also a couple of people came up afterwards and said they really enjoyed it, which is really saying something, considering that my presentation was on the topics of "hidden assets and foreclosures in divorce proceedings."

2. Two of the Christmas presents I ordered for Sweetie were delivered. For security reasons, I can't discuss too many details of the presents I've tried and tried to order for her for Christmas. But for now, I can say that I first ordered them, then was told I couldn't get them. Then I ordered them again, and was told that again, and I've finally ordered them and two of the three came. Which is good, because I don't want to go out Christmas shopping again. I want my sole Christmas duties from here on out to be "dreading putting up the tree," "putting up the tree," "complaining about taking down the tree," and "eating fruitcake."

3. The contest winners have been picked! All you commenters got an entry in the Magic USPS Coffee Mug (Which I Don't Know How I Got, And Which Sits On My Desk Unused So Don't Worry, Your Entries Weren't Coffee-Tainted) (that's the mug's official name:)


And then I drew out the two winners:

Winner of the subscription to one of the three magazines: is "Petri Dish" reformed LLC Cool J fan and author of Love Fears A Lover, one of the great blogs around. Petri, you get your choice of a subscription to Conceit, The Bracelet Charm, or Amulet. Email me at "thetroublewithroy[at]yahoo.com" and let me know which one you want and the address to send it to.

Winner of a copy of my book, Eclipse: Stanley Goodspeed, whose post about the clipboard man still makes me laugh every single time I think of it. Stanley writes The Buffoon Blog and it's awesome, too. Stanley, email me at that address and let me know where to send your copy of Eclipse.

If you didn't win, don't despair -- look to your left and see what you can do for the next time.

I doubt there are very many experts on that subject, worldwide.

The snow is falling, the calendar reads December... and that leads everyone to think about ...

The Superbowl! Or, at least, those of us who never really stop thinking about the Superbowl are now thinking about it, still, or more. And we're looking for news about the Superbowl, for stories about the Superbowl, for predictions on who will be in the Superbowl, for the halftime show. Hype, of any sort.

I've found just the place: Article Alley's collection of Superbowl articles.

Article Alley is a collection of articles from the web that are sent in by the authors, and are readable and copyable for free - you can post and repost any article on Article Alley into your website (provided you attribute it) and you can write your own articles (or blog posts... hmmm... ) and post them there to promote and share your writing or your website.

Which is all great, but the best for me was finding those Superbowl articles, because it lets me begin the hype and have something to talk with The Boy about.

There's tons of other articles on there, too, from blog posts to computer, dating, legal topics, pets, pay-per-click sites, and more. I'd be willing to bet that if you can think of it, there's an article for it. And if there's not an article for the topic you're thinking about, you can just write and submit one yourself, for free, making you the expert on, say, Armadillo Mating Habits.

I don't know why I thought of that. Hmmmm.

Aristotle's Cookies. (3 Good Things From 12/7/09)

Today's the last day to comment and be entered to win a prize! Leave your comments by midnight tonight. Winners to be announced tomorrow or sometime.

It's late in the day to post this, but here are the 3 Good Things that have helped me not totally lose it when it turns out that yet again, people who have lived in Wisconsin all their lives turn out to have forgotten how to drive on snow, so that I'm snarled up in traffic even though we've gotten only about 1/2" of snow and it's really nothing to worry about... now I'm getting mad again. Deep breath!

1. I made it to my seminar in time to grab extra cookies yesterday. I had an afternoon seminar -- a comedy seminar about legal ethics that was short on comedy (and short on legal ethics) but long on cookies when I got there. I grabbed three and brought home one for Sweetie and one for The Boy.

And, yes, I have considered the juxtaposition of my grabbing extra cookies while attending a seminar on ethics, but I took ethics in law school and college, too, so I'm pretty familiar with the rules of ethics, and I can say with confidence that Aristotle would have done exactly the same thing.

2. I got low-fived by my nephew. While visiting my mom last night, I ran into my 3-year-old nephew. I got him to give me five, then on the side, then way up high. I then held out my hand and said Down low, but he pulled his hand away and said Too slow! I thought I had until kids were four to be outsmarted.

3. Mr Bunches and Mr F team-hugged me. When I finally got home, around 10 p.m., the Babies! were still awake (of course), and I went in to sit with them. Mr Bunches jumped up onto my lap and hugged me, and Mr F then came up behind me and hugged me from behind. There's no better way to end your day than wrapped in 3-year-olds.

One Percenters, Day Five: Don't tell me we don't have the money for health care.

First off, HOORAY for Harry Reid, and John Fund, you're an idiot, and a disingenuous liar.

Now, on to the substance here.

As I mentioned the other day in the context of talking about Giovanni Ribisi (that's how my mind works), the estimated cost of the current, pretty good health care plan pending before Congress is $1.055 trillion.

I hear over and over how there's no way we could ever pay for that, and how we'll be bankrupting our kids or our kids' kids or even their kids' kids' kids, or something. It'll be financial Apocalypse, with no Rapture to lift up those who had jobs before the wave of payment decimated small businesses.

(That speech, verbatim, courtesy of the deranged ramblings of Republican Mitch McConnell. Okay, maybe not verbatim, but I'm pretty sure he said something like it.)

The problem with that argument is that it's false. Patently, blatantly, whatever -ntly modifier you want to put in front of it, it's false, and those who make it (and those who believe it) are dumb.

The United States is the richest country, by far, in the world, and can easily afford $1.055 trillion. Not only could we come up with 10% of that money right now simply by tapping the 10 richest people in our country (and leaving them fine, as I pointed out in that same article) but we could come up with it a variety of other entirely painless ways.

Take movies. We all love movies, right? I know I do, and I go to them all the time. So does every other American, as far as I can tell, because movies are doing just fine, even in a recession and even in the face of a looming InsuranceApocalypse.

Last week, the top 10 movies raked in grosses (combined) of $86.16 million dollars. )$86,160,000) (And it wasn't even a very good batch of movies.) The average US movie ticket prices (as of 2008) were $7.18. Which means, using the average price applied to last week's gross, there were 12,000,000 tickets sold last week alone. (A lot of them, apparently, to teenage girls seeing Twilight 2: Vampire Boogaloo a fifteenth time.)

Put a tax of $1 on each movie ticket -- increasing the price marginally -- and you'd raise $12,000,000 in a single week. Do that for the whole of 2009, when the top 10 films so far have grossed $2,535,000,000 (or about 353,064,066 tickets) and you'd have raised $353,064,066 towards health care reform in a single year.

$353,000,000 is about 1/3 of the trillion needed to cover health care reform -- and it could have been raised without even hurting anyone; you'd go to a movie and pay a buck extra to watch Robert Pattinson glower or Kevin the Bird run.

Would that kill businesses? I doubt it. I doubt anyone would even notice it. Except for the people who could then afford to go see a doctor and go on living.

Health care reform can be paid for easily, and painlessly, and I'll continue pointing that out. That's why I came up with the concept of One Percenters: people who care enough about helping others out that they're willing to pay an amount equal to 1% of their gross income to provide universal health care. If you make $50,000 a year, that's $1.37 per day you'd pay to help someone else get health care.

So don't tell me we can't afford to reform health care. That's a ridiculous lie. We can pay for it as easily as we go to the movies and watch the latest Sandra Bullock crummy movie.

The Senate is still debating health care reform, and the House will then have to consider whatever the Senate emits as its bill. So keep the pressure on politicians to do something. Today's two are:

"Senator" Evan Bayh, who recently suggested that he'd vote for the bill before voting against it. "Senator" Evan voted to let debate continue, while being coy about whether he liked the bill. Bayh has taken in over $1,000,000 in contributions from insurance companies and health interests, so I think we all know who will be purchasing his vote in the long run -- but you can still try to get Bayh to vote in favor of protecting little kids by providing them insurance; call him at (202) 224-5623 and tell him that if America can afford to spend $15,000,000 on werewolves, we can spend money on kidney transplants for kids. Or click here to contact him through his website.



"Congressman" Jared Polis: Jared represents a district in Colorado. He recently wrote that "Health care reform is the single most important step we can take to rebuild our economy." I'm not sure what he means by that, but it seems a step in the right direction, right? But then he said this:

"I also made the difficult decision to vote against the bill" for health care reform in the House. Jared painted that as a courageous stand against health care costs; I say it wasn't so much courage as the $30,000 in campaign contributions from health concerns that he's already collected in his young career. Jared's only been in office since 2008, which means he's raising money from health concerns at a rate of about $41 per day.

(Jared also wanted to have it both ways; he voted against the bill in committee, then voted for the bill on the House floor. Congressmen, it seems, like to be both for and against things.)

Call Jared at 202-225-2161, or click here to go to his website and congratulate him on voting the right way, once, and remind him that the work isn't done: Make sure that his $41 a day in campaign contributions doesn't make him against things again.

My input into household finances: "There's always room in the budget for potato chips."

What's your budgeting system for your money? Mine is to give it all to Sweetie and then tell her when I'm running out of gas or need to download some songs, and hope she gives me some money back.

That may not work for everybody, so if you're someone who has a more complicated life than mine, or if you can't get Sweetie to handle your money for you (she'd probably be willing to do so), you might want to look into the envelope budgeting software provided by NeoBudget.

NeoBudget will help you, the ordinary Joe or Joe-ette, budget your money without all the complex shenaniganry of those other programs out there. You want a simple budget, and NeoBudget will do that for you, helping you manage your money and get the most out of your paycheck. Their program will not only show you how you're spending now, but will help you plan for the future and adjust spending and saving accordingly -- and it's available for a free trial right now. So click on over there and give it a shot, because I'm pretty sure Sweetie is busy today and can't take your call.

1001 Ways To Tune Up The World, Number Fifty-Two

52. Make cups and glasses wider on the bottom. (All cups and glasses.)

Last night, I poured Mr F a glass of milk and was about to put the cap back on the carton of milk (which really isn't a carton anymore, it's a jug, but that's besides the point) and my hand nicked the edge of Mr F's glass with just enough force to send the glass (which was an ordinary cup in that it had a smaller base than top) falling over, spilling the milk and making me restart the whole process and have to move Sweetie's little Smore-man candy dish and clean under there.

Some travel mugs have larger bases than tops. But no other cups do, so far as I have seen in my life, and I have seen pretty far in my life.

Why? Why aren't coffee cups, milk cups, all cups and glasses larger at the bottom to prevent unnecessary spills (there's no point trying to prevent those necessary spills, right?) Is it aesthetics? If so, shouldn't people like me (i.e., smart people who are also clumsy) have a choice as to which we think looks better, a small-on-the-bottom glass next to a puddle of grape soda, or a larger-on-the-bottom glass we're not afraid to set next to our computer?

Is it a cost thing? Because I'd pay more to avoid dumping liquids all over my life.


Still 2 days left in the contest: Comment on this post! You could win a book or magazine subscription (details here) and you'll be making me happy (details on that here.)

Prior entries:

51. Sometimes easier is harder (and dumber.)

50. Don't lather, rinse, repeat (I'm going somewhere with this...)

49. Ban cigarettes.

48. Use metered lanes to close a lane when doing traffic repairs, thereby avoiding long backups when jerks opt to ignore the lane closing signs.

47. Switch to a parliamentary form of government with proportional representation. (If you already do that, then stick with it.)

46. Quit Cell Phone Charger Thinking.

45. Create an Internet Superhighway, giving high-speed Internet access to everyone, everywhere.

44. Stop teaching any math past algebra and geometry to almost everybody, and instead just provide a general theory of math to high schoolers.

43. Launch people to Mars. Or even further.

42. Think nice things, and then say them.

41. Get the cheapest toothpaste possible, then use the money you save to do some good in the world.

40. Allow gay marriage.

39. Stop describing things as "hell" or "hard work" when they're not at all.

38. Accept the idea that eventually we're going to have to pay for stuff on the Internet.

37. Spell your kids' names the right way.

36. Look up more often.

35. Put people before pets.

34. Share the profits with employees, directly and frequently.

33. Dress up, at least a little, in public.

32. Apply the "Line Pass" philosophy to everything (including some government services).

30/31. Impose a luxury tax that increases exponentially the more people spend/Never watch another Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie movie again.

29. What's so great about mom-and-pop stores and farms?

28. No more long answering machine or voice mail greetings.

27. Stop federal support of student loans.

26. Require everything we build, from here on out, to get at least some of its power from the sun or the wind.

25. Do an "Oklahoma Land Rush" in the cities.

24. Personalized Candy Bar Making Machines.

23. Learn new languages just for fun.

22. Opposite yourself.

21. Just like dandelions.

20. Why not have Radio-DVRs?

19. Start treating health care like what it is: a universal, inherent right of all people.

18. Baseball should have a shorter season and shorter games.

17. Open the borders. Everywhere.

16. Just start DVDs without all the preliminaries, please.

15. Just allow colleges to pay athletes, already.

14. Don't get married before you're 30.

13. Ban driving any kind of automobile, motorcycle or other personal vehicle within 1-2 miles of downtown in any city with a population of more than 100,000.

12. Abolish gym class; instead, teach kids to play musical instruments.

11. Change copyright laws to allow anyone to use anyone else's creative work provided that the copier pay 60% of the profit to the originator and that the copier not cast the original work in a negative light.

10. Have more sidewalk cafes and outdoor seating.

9. When you have to give someone a gift, ask them what they want, and then get that thing for them.

8. Never interrupt or finish someone's jokes.

7. Periodically, give up something you like for at least a month.

6. Switch to "E-money."

5. Have each person assigned one phone number, and then add an extension for the various phones and faxes that person might be reached at.

4. Abolish Mondays and Tuesdays.

3. Don't listen to interviews with athletes or comedians.

2. Have "personal cashiers" at the grocery store.

1. Don't earn more than $200,000 per year.

Shoveling snow's not so bad if your driveway is small and you're not concerned with the quality of your work. (3 Good Things From 12/4-12/6)

Don't forget to comment this post! Today and tomorrow are it for the contest: Comment and win a magazine subscription or book! You can enter more than once. Details here.


It snowed a little more last night, and I'm just back in from the first pre-work/pre-'puting snow shoveling of the 09/10 winter. So pardon me if I'm a little sweaty. Here's my 3 Good Things from the weekend:

1. I got our Christmas shopping finished! Almost! Well, nearly...okay, I did pretty good and got almost everything we needed in just four-and-a-half short hours of driving around with the Babies! and eating hash browns for breakfast and pizza for lunch and playing at the playground, and once, chasing a staticky-haired Mr Bunches through Walmart while Mr F, riding in the cart, laughed. All things considered, we did pretty well, and I have no idea how that trail of crackers in the Apple Store got there.

2. Sweetie did the reading at church extremely well. Sweetie volunteers to do the readings at church from time to time, and I love watching her do it because she does it with emotion and really puts effort into it. She did the one yesterday and I liked it.

3. This version of Amazing Grace:



I'm not sure why I like it so much, but I do. It was nice to listen to while I shoveled this morning.

Greg Shenkman offers tips to accessorize your guitar

This is a sponsored guest post written by Greg Shenkman on behalf of Greg Shenkman. Post powered by Sponzai.

If you are looking to accessorize your guitar this holiday season, Greg Shenkman has a few suggestions. This noted guitar aficionado has been writing about his experiences as a guitar player and has offered many tips, suggestions and personal experiences relating to the world of guitar playing. Take his recent review of the Luthier’s Choice triple pack from Gibson, for example. With real world knowledge of the products and experiences, these tips and tricks can be extremely helpful.

The Luthier’s Choice triple pack from Gibson is a convenient grouping of products that includes a four ounce bottle of high-gloss polish, a four ounce bottle of string cleaner and lubricant, and a four ounce bottle of fret board conditioner. This package of essential guitar merchandise has everything you need to maintain your guitar. The string cleaner is especially advantageous, but not everyone has had the chance to use it. This is why Greg Shenkman introduced the product to his readers recently.

If you have never used string cleaner for your guitar before, Greg Shenkman makes a good case for trying it. The guitar player wrote that he had never tried it before buying this triple pack; he would simply replace his strings when they appeared dull. But this takes time to go to the store and to do the restringing once you get them home, and money to buy the strings every time. With the string cleaner in this Luthier’s Choice triple pack from Gibson, however, it is possible to restore the original brilliance of the strings. It removes dirt and other buildup so strings can last much longer. And with the lubricant and fret board conditioner, you have everything you need to keep your guitar in good working order.

Whether you have a legendary guitar like the Gibson Les Paul Studio Plus or a simple startup guitar like the Fender Squire, it pays to take care of it. Having good advice such as these tips and tricks from Greg Shenkman on the best products to buy can make a world of difference.